Rethinking "Significant Others": The Power of Platonic Love

The Inspiration Behind a Friendship Revolution

This Valentine's Day, let's talk about love – not just the romantic kind. Rhaina Cohen, author of The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center, challenges our conventional notions of partnership. Her journey began with an extraordinary friendship, one that transcended typical definitions.

Cohen describes her friend "M" as more of a partner, seamlessly integrated into her daily life, attending office parties, sharing meals, and navigating life's nuances together. This unique bond prompted Cohen to question the limitations of societal labels and the overlooked potential of deep friendships.

Societal Perceptions of Friendship vs. Romance

While Cohen and her friend experienced overwhelming support, not all close friendships are so readily accepted. Cohen's research revealed that many deeply connected friends face judgment, gossip, and assumptions about hidden romantic intentions, highlighting the cultural constraints surrounding intimate platonic relationships.

Historically, marriage served primarily as an economic arrangement, lacking the equality that underpins genuine friendship. The evolution of marriage into a romantic ideal, coupled with changing societal views on intimacy, gradually diminished the acceptance of profound platonic bonds, particularly between men.

The "Friendship Recession" and its Impact

Cohen points to a concerning trend: the decline of close friendships in modern society. Research reveals a "friendship recession," especially affecting less educated individuals who may lack community spaces to cultivate connections. This decline coincides with the increasing expectation that romantic partners fulfill all emotional needs, potentially setting up these relationships for failure.

“By expecting so much of marriage and so little of friendship, we end up undermining our romantic relationships…and we diminish and weaken our friendships by expecting so little of them,” Cohen explains.

Diversifying Your Emotional Portfolio

Cohen advocates for diversifying our emotional portfolios, relying on a network of close relationships rather than placing all the burden on a single romantic partner. This approach fosters resilience and strengthens both romantic partnerships and friendships, promoting a more balanced and fulfilling life.

She encourages individuals to dismantle the "big-box store" model of partnership, recognizing that different relationships can fulfill different needs. This allows for a more nuanced and flexible approach to building meaningful connections.

Redefining Significance: Beyond Romance and Sex

Cohen's work challenges us to decouple commitment and love from sex and romance. Her interviewees emphasized the importance of companionship, support, and shared experiences as the cornerstones of their closest friendships.

By reevaluating the role of these elements, we open ourselves up to a broader spectrum of significant relationships, enriching our lives with diverse forms of love and connection.

Remixing Tradition: A Look at Historical Family Structures

The notion of the nuclear family as "traditional" is a relatively recent construct. Historically, extended families and diverse caregiving arrangements were the norm. Cohen highlights the concept of "alloparenting," where non-biologically related individuals played vital roles in raising children.

Reclaiming these historical models of community and shared responsibility can offer valuable alternatives to the pressures and limitations of modern family structures.

The Takeaway: Expanding Our Understanding of Love

This Valentine's Day, Cohen urges us to recognize and celebrate the multitude of love that exists beyond romantic relationships. The quiet acts of devotion, support, and unwavering commitment found in close friendships deserve acknowledgment and appreciation.

"I hope they’ll take away that there’s more than one kind of love that exists," Cohen shares, emphasizing the importance of recognizing and celebrating the diverse forms of love that enrich our lives.